Hope in the Darkness

I’ve been getting all sorts of nudges to write lately but life has been kind of nuts.  I am a full time school marm here.  It’s been kind of a disaster, honestly.  I desperately need to get my kid back in school so that I can stop pretending to be a teacher.

For those of you who don’t know; my son, Gabe, has been recovering from Topical Steroid Addiction for nearly the past two years.  There have been many ups and downs.  I’ve felt like I was in crisis mode more often than not.  I’ve had to be his advocate.

Everything I’ve gone through with him has changed me.  Just recently I have re-faced some things that used to rattle me.  I was decidedly “un-rattled” and feeling more capable.  More centered and less spastic.  I was struggling to put my finger on what changed, exactly.  I finally realized that is was mostly just maturity.  Good old fashioned growing up.

Today I drove my son to a specialist; a pediatric gastroenterologist.  My son has come a very long way with his skin.  He’s actually looking really great.  But he’s been feeling terrible.  Every time he tries to eat he feels nauseous.  I’m not sure why but I suspect it was caused by all the oral antibiotics and ibuprofen he needed a few months ago.  😦

I pulled all kinds of strings and jumped through hoops to get him into this man’s office.  The doctor listened to his symptoms and tried to diagnosis him with a condition that didn’t seem to fit at all.  The old me would have been extremely hesitant to speak up at that point.  The new me had zero qualms with telling him that I didn’t agree and I wanted testing to come to a definitive diagnosis.  The doctor agreed to do an endoscopy and test for everything under the sun.

Driving home, dealing with traffic, I was a bit emotional and hid my tear filled eyes from my son.  An old favorite song came on and the presence of God entered the car unexpectedly.

I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t at times feel like Gretel- wandering through a dark forest and looking, begging, hoping for any breadcrumbs that I could find to lead me out.  Sometimes we’re so much in the dark we can not see the purpose in it all.  There really isn’t any trite platitudes or self-help mantras that can help you when you are really hurting and lost.  When you’re looking for breadcrumbs and getting rocks and dirt.

This isn’t a pep talk message.  It just this- the hurting, the sorrow, the struggle is real.  It can’t be glossed over and I promise you- it will not be overlooked.  He feels our pain, He bottles our tears.  He loves us even though we can’t always see it or feel it.

“He was despised and rejected by men,
A Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.
And we hid, as it were, our faces from Him;
He was despised, and we did not esteem Him.

Surely He has borne our griefs
And carried our sorrows;
Yet we esteemed Him stricken,
Smitten by God, and afflicted.
But He was wounded for our transgressions,
He was bruised for our iniquities;
The chastisement for our peace was upon Him,
And by His stripes we are healed.” Isaiah 53:3-5

 

The Provision of God

I’ve been wanting to write a post on God’s supernatural provision for awhile now.  One thing that has held me back is really the fear of coming across as “bragging” in any sort of way.  My hope in writing this that you see the goodness of God and the fatherly way he provides for his children.

I’ll set the scene some 12 years ago.  I was a young, single mom to my son.  I had really messed up my life.  I was a thief; shoplifting was a major hobby of mine.  I had gotten mixed up in the occult.  I was living life in a really dark place and I wasn’t a good person.  I was living with my parent who was very alcoholic and abusive.  It was not good for me and especially for my young son, Michael.

“The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of deep darkness a light has dawned.” Isaiah 9:2 

To me that illustrates how truly we are saved by the goodness of God.  He loves us because he IS love and there is nothing we can do to make him love us more than he already does.

My little sister nagged me into going to church with her.  I did and get saved and filled with the Holy Spirit.  At that point, my life still didn’t look super great but I was overflowing with joy and the assurance that God was going to take care of me.  I gave really ridiculous amounts (for a single mom!) to my church and did so joyfully.  All with this knowing that God was going to take care of me.

Within a month I met Tim.  He was just everything that I needed.  He was/is just such a great guy.  I knew right away that God brought us together.  We were married within 2 months!  We moved into his little one bedroom apartment until we could get into a two bedroom.  My son, Michael, slept in the living room. 

A few months later Tim was offered a position he had applied for with a 20,000 a year raise.  Looking back, I know that it was God not just blessing us- but really blessing Tim for taking on the role of being the provider that my son and I needed.  He also took on the role of being a parent, 100%.

I really don’t believe in the so-called “prosperity gospel”.  We can’t use our faith to manipulate God into giving us what we want.  I do, however, believe that God can and will bless his children in many ways, including financially.

“If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!” Matthew 7:11 

We both wanted me to stay home with our kids.  God always provided for that.  As expenses went up, so did Tim’s income.  We tithed and gave to different charities that we believed in and God just kept blessing us financially.

Not only that, but Tim is able to work from home.  This has been a huge blessing as he was able to help me when we went through our son, Gabriel’s, extended and severe illness.

This past year I’ve been praying that God would bless us even more, and with that- help us to be more generous and able to give more.  We’ve been able to help out some family members.  God has also brought people into our lives through “coincidences”.  My husband, who knows a good deal about cars, has had all these encounters this summer (4-5 now) where he is able to help out women with car trouble, who were stranded.  We’re beginning to joke about it being his ministry.  Just this past weekend we were in WI and a single mom’s car had died.  My husband helped her to jump start it and showed her oldest son how to do it next time.

Another way we’ve been able to help has been in the form of a little neighbor girl.  I don’t want to speculate into her home life but I think she spends a lot of time alone.  She is at our house almost every day (that she isn’t staying with her other parent), all day.  I could be irritated but I chose to see it as a chance to pour some motherly love into her life.

I think a lot of being a good Christian is just loving the people that God puts in our path.  Generosity isn’t just about money.  It’s our time.  It’s our abilities (like Tim and cars or electronics).  It’s about having a joyful and grateful heart.  It’s about being a flow through account for the blessings of God.

After all those prayers, Tim did end up getting an unexpected bonus and a raise.  Again, please don’t hear that I’m bragging on anything other than the goodness and faithfulness of God.

I sit here with grateful tears in my eyes.  God has lead us through hard times for sure… but the overarching message of my life has been one of His goodness towards me.  His unmerited kindness.  Not just to me, but to my family.  

“Lord Jesus, thank you for your everlasting love that you lavish on your children.  You are good.  Your ways are so much higher than ours.  We love you so.  Help us to, more and more, model your heart to a world that needs it.  Increase our capacity for generosity in every way.  In Jesus name, Amen” 

I pray that if you don’t yet know your Heavenly Father that you would experience his love right now.  That you would surrender your heart and your life to this God who loves you perfectly.  He loves you no less than he loves me.

 

Educated Beyond Obedience

I’ll be completely honest, I’ve barely read my Bible lately.  We went through a time when Gabe was waking up all night long and I wasn’t about to get up early to get that time in.  I’ve just totally fallen out of it.  And now our schedule is shredded like confetti and tossed into the sky, now that school is out.

I’ve been leaning really heavily on podcast (don’t you love them?!) for spiritual nourishment.  The past couple days I’ve listened to some sermons by Francis Chan.  Now, if you want to get real uncomfortable and challenged- this is the guy for you.  I’ve even had moments of wondering if I should even listen.  Seriously.

“The servant who knows the master’s will and does not get ready or does not do what the master wants will be beaten with many blows.  But the one who does not know and does things deserving punishment will be beaten with few blows. From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked…..” Luke 12:47-48

Strong, strong words from scripture.  This was a parable so I don’t think it literally means we are going to physically beaten at judgement.  I think it’s an illustration that knowing God’s will does not put us at any advantage if we aren’t willing to act on it.  In fact, if we “know better” but ignore what we know- we will be all the more culpable.

“Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.” James 1:22

It’s such a frightening thought to me.  I realized, listening to the sermon- that I am so completely selfish.  So driven to get my own needs met.  I am so prone to deceive myself.  I realize how easily it is to slip out of God’s will and not even realize it.  We are masters at deceiving ourselves.  We give God lip service.  We crack open his Word here and there.  Maybe we even have a fish decal on our car.  All of this matters so very little.  

“God, I know I am so very prone to self-deception and selfishness.  Please shine your light into my heart so I can see the truth of where I’m at.  And thank you that you love me anyways.  Lord, I pray that you would help me to truly live for you.  That my heart would beat for you.  That I would really care about the lost.  That I would live for eternal things.  I know that the things I think will make me happy, won’t and can’t.  Only in you is true joy and peace found.  In Jesus name, Amen.” 

Motherhood on the Altar

Thank you to all of you who have followed Gabe’s story and progress.  We went through a very rough patch this spring.  It was very tough, not going to lie.  He had staph infections all over his body and his chest was basically an open wound for weeks on end.  The staph was so bad that even three different antibiotics didn’t touch it.

We’ve tried some new treatments and he is actually making huge improvements!  His chest is 90% healed up and the general infected areas are about 60% better.  We’ve been using this antimicrobial spray and it’s really helped a lot.  Gabe is getting back a higher quality of life.  There’s of course other treatments we are doing so it’s hard to know how much each thing is helping individually, but we are just happy he is getting better.

Michael, Gabe and Shiloh

They are all out of school now so we are adjusting to that!  It’s tough for me because I’m big on peace and quiet and my kids are decidedly not. 

Before school ended we had Shiloh’s first big IEP (individualized education plan).  I had basically all year to sort through coming to terms with the fact that her issues went beyond “quirky” and that she would need special help in school.  “Autism presents itself differently in girls.  It can go undiagnosed because autistic girls are better able to blend in….” the school psychologist told me gently.

I had many night this past year to process all this as I was getting concerned calls from her teacher.  I spent many hours lying awake at night trying to figure out how to fix it, where I went wrong, what had happened… really struggling to come to terms with it.  It was really hard but I had all those months to process it before hearing that the team that examined Shiloh had come to the conclusion that she needed extra help at school, a lot of extra help, and that she would receive it under the heading of autism spectrum disorder.

Her teacher from this year included this note on her final reports and she is absolutely right.  Whatever Shiloh is up against, we are her parents and we love her.  She may be incredibly naughty, mischievous and a hand full (to say the least) but she is also very sweet, joyful, caring.

My Little Lamb

As a mother the temptation is always to blame yourself when your kid has issues or is struggling.  It’s really hard to take yourself off the hook.  To forgive yourself for mistakes you made.  To realize that it was never going to be a pain free ride because you were bringing children into a very imperfect and pain-riddled world.

Motherhood is something you need to put on the altar.  All you can do is your best.  You’re not in control.  You just have to trust that Jesus is in control, loves your kids like crazy, and has a plan.  A good plan.

Strength for the Caregiver

Last night was really tough.

My husband is gone on a work trip so I am left alone to manage Gabe’s night time wakings.  Last night he did not sleep a wink all night long.  I caught a few hours, interrupted, between him calling for me.  He finally passed out early this morning after moving to our recliner downstairs.

After my other two kids left for school I prayed and just wept.  Damn this horrible disease.  It’s not fair what it’s taken from him.  It’s not fair the heavy burden it is on our family.  Other people are out and about with their kids and I’m stuck at home trying to make what is not ok, ok and bearable.

It’s just tough and draining and exhausting in every way.

I’m sure other caregivers can relate.  So often your needs and wants are back-burnered (or even left to go cold all together) as the needs of your child or loved one take over.

He’s missed out on a lot.  It’s true.  But I know what also is true is that we have invested so much in this little guy.  Man, just the hours spent next to his bath, talking about everything.  Answering his thousands of questions.  

More often than not, the conversation naturally turns towards spiritual things.  We discuss Bible stories and theology, angels and demons.  He just has an insatiable appetite for knowledge.  His heart is so tender towards the things of God.  We often talk about what it’ll be like when Jesus comes back.

Would he be so spiritually hungry if he hadn’t had to go through all this suffering?  I don’t know.  But I do know that this trial has stretched me to grow.  I do know that on the other side of this thing we will be blown away by the goodness and faithfulness of our God.

I do know that God has entrusted me with this amazing little boy.  I do know that things are being worked out in heavenly places, things we don’t yet understand.  Our little tub side talks are building our faith and will become part of our testimony.

“And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” Philippians 1:6

and… 

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” 2 Cor. 1:4

 

The Greatest Thing

As I was vacuuming this morning I felt like the Holy Spirit brought a powerful but simple message to my heart.  Yes, my spiritual time may or not be while I am vacuuming.  I have a super fluffy golden retriever and now we added a kitty to the mix, so the vacuum and I are currently best friends. 

But anyhoos, the thought that kept coming back to me is this- The absolute greatest gift we can bring to the World is to let Jesus shine out through us.

I know we’re fond of saying #blankiseverything.  You know; a day at the beach, a new song, even a favorite nail polish.  But truly Jesus is everything.  The Universe shouts his praise.  The stars proclaim his glory.  Jesus is the only one worthy of our praise, our adulation, our very lives.  So powerful and mighty but so close.

I am awed and so blown away that he wants to show up in this planet through me.  I am saved to the max but still here to become, from glory to glory, more like him.  Every day is a day to know him more, to be transformed in his presence, and then bring that presence to a hurting world.

“And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.”  2 Cor. 3:18

“Oh Jesus, how I love you.  My prayer for myself and those reading is that we would be swept up into your amazing presence.  That we would know that we are never alone.  You are the friend that sticks closer than a brother.  You are the Alpha and the Omega, Beginning and the End.  The exalted one.  Perfect.  You are love.  Please help us to yield to you our lives, our hearts, our everything….because YOU are everything.  We pray that you would shine through us so that the World would truly see you in us.  Thank you for this awesome privilege, to be your living Temple.  We love you, Jesus.  Amen” 

Grace for the Inexcusable

I know I’m way late in the game here in posting my thoughts on the Roseanne Barr twitter diaster, but I guess I’ve been mulling on it.  Of course my initial reaction was to cringe at what she said.  It really was terrible.  Inexcusable.

But it wasn’t long until my heart just felt sad for Roseanne.  Not Roseanne the celebrity, or Roseanne the icon, or even Roseanne the public personality.  But who she really is.  A human being with vulnerabilities and flaws just like the rest of us.  I can’t even imagine what it feels like to have the entire World watch you royally screw up and become the object of public scorn.

I’d imagine her regret over the incident was probably very genuine.

Whether it really was just an ambien-fueled, regrettable, but unintentional post or whether she really did mean it in some insidious way- how do we, as christians, respond?

I’m fairly in touch with my own sin and shortcomings.  Lest I forget, my ugly nature rears it’s ugly head again.  I know I need a savior.  I know the muddled mess I am apart from Him.  I know the same sin nature that fuels racism simmers at times in my own heart.  She needs grace.  I need grace.  We all do.

We can’t just join the clammering crowd, stones in hand, screaming for justice- when we are just as guilty.

One incidence from scripture that jumps out at me is the story of the woman caught in adultery.  She had done the inexcusable and the penalty was death.

Then Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are your accusers? Has no one condemned you?” “No one, sir,” she said. “Then neither do I condemn you,”Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.” John 8:11 

My thoughts on the scenario is that we have to be so careful not to become pharisaical in our own righteousness.  We need to remember what we were saved from.  We need to live with a sense of humility.  We need to intercede instead of throwing harsh judgement.  Jesus didn’t just die to save us from little sins.  He died to cover the worst of humanity with his precious, atoning blood.

Sinfulness is our natural condition, people.  It’s only by grace that we are lifted out of our slimy pits and set on the high ground.  How then, can we, look down on others?  Your sin may not look my sin but it’s all sin.  It’s like a cancer eating away at our soul and every single member of our human race is infected and it’s terminal.  We don’t scream at them about their cancer.  We humbly hold out the cure.  

 

Tale of a Ficus

I love indoor plants but I’m definitely not a green-thumbed fairy when it comes to caring for them.  I try, Lord knows I do.  But I’ve killed my fair share.

I had a ficus tree that wasn’t doing well.  I moved it into the basement so I wouldn’t have to look at another plant failure.  It sat down there, woefully neglected, for months.  It collected dust and lost it’s remaining leaves.

A few months ago I was cleaning out the basement and had to contemplate the fate of my failing ficus.  I decided it needed another chance.

I lugged it up two flights of stairs and stuck it in the shower to wash the dust off and hopefully infuse new life.  I put it in a prime location with bright but indirect sunlight.  I gave it water enriched with minerals.

It started to bloom and come back to life.  It’s still a bit scraggly but seeing new little baby leaves coming to life makes me happy. 

That’s just what Jesus does with us.  (you knew I was turning this into a spiritual metaphor, right??)  He lugs our dusty butts out of the cellars we’ve been languishing in.  He nourishes us with gentle care until new life bursts forth.  Where other people might see something to be tossed out, he sees potential. 

“A man had a fig tree growing in his vineyard, and he went to look for fruit on it but did not find any. So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, ‘For three years now I’ve been coming to look for fruit on this fig tree and haven’t found any. Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?’”  ‘Sir,’ the man replied, ‘leave it alone for one more year, and I’ll dig around it and fertilize it. If it bears fruit next year, fine! If not, then cut it down.’ ” Luke 13:6-8

We go through seasons where we might be pretty dry.  Maybe God is digging around in our soil and it is uncomfortable.  Maybe he’s trimming off some dead branches.  Maybe it feels like a full on pruning.  But what feels like death is the precursor to fresh life.  He’s clearing away what is hindering us and weighing us down.  His goal isn’t the cutting away, but in the fresh life that will follow.

“So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow.” 1 Cor. 3:7

“Dear Heavenly Father, help us to trust you.  We ask that you would flood our lives and personal challenges with fresh life.  Help us to flourish under your gentle and constant light.  We pray that we would see you move in new ways.  We thank you that you are always moving, always speaking- we just need to listen.  Help us to fully lean in to you as you cause us to grow.  Amen” 

Spring, Hope

It was a really tough weekend.  A round of antibiotics had failed to heal up painful skin infections on my boy.  He wasn’t sleeping much because of the pain.

My husband and I have both been really weary.  Our anniversary passed (again) with a sick kid and heavy hearts.

We have both been grappling with our faith in this mess.  One thing though that I keep thinking about is the life of the Apostle Paul.  He went through so many crazy hard things, so many moments where he would have been justified in throwing in the towel and deciding maybe following Jesus wasn’t worth it.

“Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one.  Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was pelted with stones, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea,  I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my fellow Jews, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false believers.  I have labored and toiled and have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked.” 2 Cor. 11:24-27

How has our Americanized, comfort-centered thinking colored our view of Christianity?  We think (if we’re willing to admit it) that if we are good people, pray, go to church, etc. that we should get some kind of a blessed (charmed) life.  When that doesn’t work out we are bewildered and our flimsy faith teeters.

But what if God isn’t after our comfort but in refining our faith?  What if he doesn’t want content pew-fillers but believers on fire for eternity?  Believers who realize that our time here on Earth is about so much more than seeking our own temporal happiness?

The prayer of my heart is, “Lord help me to learn the lessons you have for me here, in this tough place.  Do a work in me that can’t be accomplished any other way.  Our baby boy belongs to you and we know you hold him and his future in your hands.  Whom else have we in Heaven but you?  You alone have the words that bring eternal life.  Therefore, we will put our trust in you.”  

Spring finally came to Minnesota.  A praise-a-lullah!  Yesterday I took my kids to a (yet) deserted beach and had my son reveal his wounded flesh to the intense UV rays.  He actually slept last night and looks much better today.  We’re hopefully going to go back for more old school, helio-therapy.  healing power of sunlight

A verse I am praying is “He sent out his word and healed them..” Psalm 107:20  I am thanking God that he is sending out His word to heal Gabe.  We want to thank him in advance.  😉  In the mean time we do everything we can in the natural, while God works things out in the supernatural.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

We believe in miracles but sometimes God has something better in store than that instant miracle.  He sees the big picture.  He is GOOD.  He wants our trust.  It matters how we respond to the trials he allows.  It matters for eternity.

Crown of Life

I’ve been in that familiar place again, battling discouragement.

My son has been battling for so long.  First eczema.  Then topical steroid withdrawal.  Now residual skin infections and rashes that don’t seem to budge for nothing.

God only knows the pain we’ve experienced.  I say “we” because there is no pain like watching your baby suffer.  God only knows the tears.  The cries.  The sheer wretchedness.

The battle rages on.

I was reminded recently that sometimes there aren’t any words.  Or at least, words that should be spoken.  I was talking to a family member about trying to find God’s purpose in suffering and was barely even able to speak my piece before being barraged with a tidal wave of insensitive, unwanted advice.  When someone has been through a trial like that, really- they just want to be heard.  I know it is in our human nature to try to give a quick answer (when there isn’t one) and sometimes trite words of wisdom do far more harm than good.  I’ve had to wrestle through anger and just sheer weariness.  So please, if you know someone going through a tough trial; just be there for them.  Don’t pretend like you know what they are going through or dish out advice.  Just listen.

“Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” Romans 12:15

I try to be gracious because, really, sometimes we just have no idea.  I know I can look back on some things I said and did that were horribly insensitive, just because I simply didn’t know.  Walking through heartache, especially an extended season where there’s no end in sight, has a way of bringing humility that can’t be gained any other way.

What God has been speaking to me lately has been about the crown of victory.

“I am coming soon. Hold on to what you have, so that no one will take your crown.” Revelation 3:11

If you are a believer, you have an incredible inheritance.  You are already seated in Heavenly places.  You have a crown and you are royalty.  God wants you to become an overcomer.  If we didn’t have battles to fight, Goliaths to overcome- our stories wouldn’t be very interesting, would they?  We have a crown on our heads but a sword in our hands.  There are battles to be fought, giants to be defeated. 

Keep your chin up.  Keep fighting.

“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book….Therefore we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, yet our inner self is being renewed day by day. For our light and temporary affliction is producing for us an eternal glory that far outweighs our troubles.”  Psalm 56:8, 2 Cor. 4:17