Our Vaccine Story

If there’s a grassroots movement any more controversial than refusing vaccines I certainly don’t know of it.  I really debated whether or not on whether to post our story because of the issue of the controversy associated with it.  The topic is incredibly polarizing and this is primarily a blog on living life as a Christ follower….but this is also something I feel incredibly passionate about.  If you don’t agree, that’s ok.  This is my story.

I had my first child, Michael, at the age of 18.  I was very young but I took the responsibility of growing a baby very seriously.  I went from a diet coke and skittles diet to eating balanced meals and lots of veggies. I took fish oil and gagged down pre-natal vitamins inspite of morning sickness.

Michael was perfect.  He was beautiful.  People would stop me on the street to comment on what a beautiful and happy baby he was.

He hit all his milestones early.  He was walking at 10 months.  He talked, he sang, he was a very happy and easy going baby.

But around the 18 month mark he underwent some extreme personality changes.  At the time I chalked it up to the fact that I had met, married and moved in with my husband very quickly and it was a LOT of change for a little kid to go through very quickly.

Michael would have uncontrollable tantrums.  Michael would bang his head violently in his crib at night.  It became difficult to bring Michael to public places because he would get completely out of control (sensory overload).  We also noticed that Michael had extreme reactions to loud noises.

At the time I was so young and knew almost nothing about autism.  This was almost 11 years ago and autism wasn’t as prevalent as it is now.

We began to realize that there was something wrong but we had no idea what.  We brought Michael out to parks frequently and there was a stark difference between him and the other kids his age.

The first time the “autism” word was introduced was when his great aunt commented that Michael acted in a similar manner as a man she worked with, and that man had autism.

As he got older he developed facial ticks.  He also developed a complete obsession with anything with a screen, especially video games.  Once we found him playing his Nintendo D.S. at five in the morning with a hollow look in his eyes.

He would say inappropriate things and seemingly overreact to the slightest touch or provocation.

I guess I always imagined that other people had special needs kids.  People that were smart and capable.  I was young and dumb.  If you can imagine a very young mom dealing with an autistic child when she knew basically nothing about the disorder- tough was an understatement.  I shudder thinking about the many times we “lost” it on Michael when we were presented with what we thought was extreme defiance and in reality Michael was coping with a traumatic brain injury.

I now believe that Michael was born healthy and so called “neuro-typical”.  I always had a strong feeling, call it mothers intuition, that that shots caused his condition.  As he grew and I realized the magnitude of his condition I turned to the modern marvel that is google.

I stayed up late reading story after story of parents claiming that their children were injured by vaccines.  Not just autism, but also SIDS and a wide variety of other issues.  Michael underwent a change that would have coincided with his 18 month check up and shots.  Unfortunately, I didn’t make the connection till years later.

They say, “safe and effective” and “reactions are 1 in a million”.  It isn’t true.  Most reactions go unreported because parents are uninformed.  They don’t know what to look for.  When the baby has a seizure a week after vaccines they don’t automatically connect the dots.  Or when somethings happens and they do confront the doctor, they are almost always brushed off and left to sort through the fallout themselves.  When a baby dies in his sleep following a well-baby check at 2 or 4 months it is ruled as SIDS and swept under the rug.

I didn’t learn till years later but pediatricians get bonuses (very large ones) from insurance companies when a certain percentage of their patients are fully vaccinated.  I was hesitant to vaccinate (I just had a bad feeling about it) but the Doctor was incredibly pushy and made it sound like my son would drop dead from an infectious disease if I didn’t get every shot, on time, plus countless boosters.  I ignored my feelings and went ahead because who was I to question established medicine?

Now I understand that Doctors are part of a very lucrative business.  The business of vaccines.  In 1989 vaccine developers were given complete immunity.  Us little people were no longer able to sue if our kid was severely injured.  Vaccines became a cash cow after that and a bunch of new ones were introduced to the schedule as quickly as possible.  It was a gold rush.  Testing was pretty minimal because vaccines are assumed to be safe and there is a strong financial incentive to assume that.  At around that time the first rumblings of autism were being heard. 1UKvV60fOjh6NLjHooUEqeA

I was born in 1986.  When I was in school we never heard of autism.  Or life-threatening peanut allergies.  Most kids were basically healthy and slim.  Health problems were very rare.

Is it a coincidence that the autism rate went from 1 in 10,000 in the 1980’s to now (some estimates put it as high as) 1 in 36?

The landscape of our schools has changed dramatically.  I know because I volunteer at my kids elementary school and you see it constantly.  Kids rock back in forth in their chairs.  Kids wear noise blocking headphones.  Kids need access to epi-pens at all times.  Teachers are stressed out trying to teach the kids while managing all the cornucopia of special needs represented in any given classroom.

It is tragically ironic that we inject our kids with so many vaccines trying to keep them healthy but they are incredibly sick, sicker than ever.

What I didn’t know back when my son was vaccinated is that these shots use aluminum in nano-particle form as an adjuvant-a substance that enhances the body’s immune response to an antigen.  They just assumed (based on ORALLY ingested) tests that the body could safely cope with and remove the toxic burden.  But ingesting and injecting are completely different ball games.  When we ingest aluminum we are able to clear it out of our systems almost completely through the natural digestive process.  But when we inject nano-particle aluminum our bodies send in white blood cells in response, which in turn surround (encapsulate) the aluminum, and then…it can travel throughout the body through our blood stream and lymphatic system.  It can and does get deposited in the brain.  http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-5133049/Aluminium-vaccines-cause-autism.html  Aluminum is extremely neuro-toxic and no more so than when it invades the brain of a formerly healthy infant.  Or it can get lodged into muscle tissue until a traumatic injury or sickness signals the white blood cells to come.  The blood cells come and bring in a toxic cargo along with them.  That’s why not all vaccine injuries are seen immediately.  The aluminum can hang around in the body for an indeterminate period of time before causing all kinds of damage even years later.

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I find that it’s common that most parents will scour nutrition labels and be careful about what they feed their children (which is good) but have no idea what is actually being injected into their children.

Most people don’t know that there is peanut proteins (hello deadly food allergy!), tissue from aborted babies, and the same toxic carcinogenic junk they use to embalm dead bodies.  If you think I am making this stuff up you can visit the CDCs website and check out the ingredients for yourself. https://www.cdc.gov/vaccines/vac-gen/additives.htm

Autism is a blanket term for “neurological damage caused by vaccines”.  We are being lied to.  if you don’t believe check this out-

https://www.naturalnews.com/046630_CDC_whistleblower_public_confession_Dr_William_Thompson.html

A top CDC scientist came out and admitted that they had lied about the correlation they had found between the MMR shot and autism.  They purposefully fudged the data the hide the link.  Because admitting that they caused nothing less than a modern day holocaust on our babies is not something that they are going to do.

That explosive news never made it to main stream media.  Why?  Have you ever watched CNN or Foxnews?  It’s constant drug advertisements.  The pharmaceutical companies hold major sway in what stories see the light of day.

Are we all going to die if we don’t vaccinate? 22046511_10159471036940074_8637741367936285939_n I didn’t vaccinate my youngest and so far she hasn’t started any epidemics.  In fact she has no allergies, eczema, has never had an ear infection, and on and on.

Depending on where you live the only real threat is in getting measles.  Which contrary to popular, media-hyped, belief- is easily treated with mega doses of vitamin A.

Now research is showing that vaccines aren’t as effective as originally thought.  That measles outbreak at Disneyland?  Half of them were fully vaccinated.  Mumps outbreak amongst Norwegian college kids?  All fully vaccinated. http://sciencenordic.com/mumps-outbreak-hits-students-several-norwegian-cities

flu shotSo why risk injecting these toxic cocktails when there is no guarantee for real immunity?

Does the system really care about you or your health?  Or are you and your children being used for profit?  Globally, vaccines are expected to bring in 49 billion dollars next year in revenue.  https://www.statista.com/statistics/265102/revenues-in-the-global-vaccine-market/

It’s really up to you and it should be.

How is Michael today?  He’s doing pretty good.  He’s extremely lucky.  The real test is will he be able to function as an adult in society and I think that he will be.

That is not to say that is hasn’t been incredibly difficult getting to this point, that Michael hasn’t had to go through much pain, struggle and heartache for a choice he didn’t make.  I can’t articulate how hard it has been for all of us.

One conversation I will never forget is one I had with someone who was very pro-vax on the internet (cause those always go so well…) in which he accused me of looking for somewhere to lay the blame so I wouldn’t have to accept responsibility myself- for being a crappy parent and causing the autism somehow, I suppose.  Other than being completely insensitive and really horrific to say to a mother of a special needs child, it was so completely untrue that it literally could not have been more wrong.

The guilt is horrible.  I feel wracked with it at night when I let my mind wander and consider what could have been.  If I’d followed my gut and not had him vaccinated.  If Michael had been allowed to develop normally.

That’s why I’m writing this blog.  Because this is my story, Michael’s story. mmmm I’m not looking to absolve myself of responsibility.  The sad truth is that my story is not unique and it’s becoming increasingly common.  I’m trying to share our story in order to warn others.  I’m telling the truth and there is power in that.  Even if only one person has read to this point and it influences further decisions they make.

“The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.”

 

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Prayers and Doo-Hickeys

I feel like God often speaks to me in themes and the theme of the month has been on prayer.

It really started Thanksgiving went I went to visit my Grandma Judy for Thanksgiving.  My grandma is basically a saint in my eyes.  When I was a young teen mom she came to my rescue and worked her grandma magic many times at the drop of a hat.  I don’t get to see her enough because she lives a couple hours away.

So when she invited us for Thanksgiving of course I said YES (she is also an incredible cook….) but when the day rolled around my daughter, Shiloh, was on the tail end of a cough.  Which gave me pause because my Grandma and Grandpa are both on oxygen for their emphysema.  They also care for my Great Grandma who is 91.

I texted my grandma whether or not I should still come with a sickish kid and she said yes.  So we went and had a great time….. until that night when we got home and realized Shiloh had a fever and was getting sick with something else.

The next day I started coming down with the flu.  I felt absolutely terrible with worry that I am may have exposed my grandparents to a sickness that would be far more devastating for them than for us.

I really entered some fervent prayer.

In my praying I felt very undeserving.  I hadn’t been seeking God like I should…I felt like that kid that makes that collect call home on Father’s Day.

I said, “Lord, I don’t deserve this answer to prayer but please….do it on account of everything Jesus did for us on the cross.”  At that moment it dawned on me why we finish every prayer with “In Jesus name”.

See, we always enter prayer undeserving.  Whether we feel it or not.  It’s best to just get that out there.  We can’t possibly earn the right to “deserve” anything from God.  It’s just all based on his grace and goodness towards us.

“The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.”

I had to bust out the Old King James for that one.  Our prayers are so powerful.  Especially when we double down with fervency.  “But I don’t feel very righteous.”  Yeah, I don’t always float around on a cloud of happy, holy emotions either…but-

“God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.” 2 Cor. 5:21

In Him we have access to the righteousness of God.  That’s why we ask that He answer our prayers in the name of Jesus- the name above every other name.  So when Satan tries to discourage us from praying we can tell him where to go because through Him we have access to the throne room.

My grandparents didn’t get sick.

Also, my oldest son has been doing really well.  I’ve been getting glowing emails from school.

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We called it his “doo-hickey”

And we witnessed nothing short of a miracle this morning…. my son Gabe has had a very troublesome blood vessel protruding from his cheek for months.  Almost daily he would accidentally scratch it and it would bleed like crazy.  It had grown and grown so I made an appointment to have it lasered off.

That appointment was supposed to be today.  I say supposed to because I cancelled it.  A giant scab came off his cheek and revealed that the vessel (which had been protruding quite a bit) had gone back under the skin and was healing over.

I had been praying that God would heal it so that we could avoid another traumatic visit to the doctor, and He did!

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Doo-hickey no more!

 

 

 

The Sunrise

My son, Gabe won student of the month at his school.  The theme was “courage”, which I thought was extremely fitting!

His school had an awards ceremony this morning at 8 am so we had to wake Gabe up way earlier than usual to get him there.  We couldn’t tell him why, since it was supposed to be a surprise.  We usually let him sleep until 9 and get him to school around 10:15 after a bath and various treatments…se we all had to get up pretty early to get him there on time.

As we were about to head out the door we saw the most beautiful sunrise.  Because of his sleep issues, Gabe hasn’t seen a sunrise in a long time.  He stood at the window and marveled for a good ten minutes. 20171201_071752Something about the sunrise inspires praise.  It’s a little bit of glory breaking through the bleakness.  It’s the light cutting through the darkness.

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The ceremony was pretty brief and there were a lot of proud parents there but I’d doubt that there were any more proud than we were.20171201_115819  For me, this moment represents so much.  At one point I told Gabe that he was so brave.  He said, “but Mom, I’m scared a lot.”  I said facing hard things and not quitting makes you brave.  If we never felt afraid we wouldn’t need courage.

God is faithful.  He promised to never leave or abandon us.

“Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning.” Psalm 30:5

Parenting Real Talk

One parenting thing I’ve never really gotten is that we’re only allowed to say positive things about our kids.  Look, I’m not a parenting Grinch but I just find it really irritating how we have to pretend everything is wonderful all the time and our kids are the actual spawn of angels.

I seriously want to update my Facebook status with, “My sweet little Michael managed to get suspended again!  We think he’ll grow up to use his giant brain well in the fast food industry!”

Seriously though, I don’t post often about it but we’ve faced many challenges as parents of our oldest child, Michael.  Michael is gifted with very high intelligence and he’s a tall, good looking kid (of course, I am his mother so….) but man oh man it’s not been easy.  Michael has Aspergers.  Michael is extremely stubborn.  Michael is very smart but thinks he is smarter than everyone else, including his school principal and every other adult he encounters.

Many, many nights my husband and I have stayed up late just talking like- we don’t know what to do with this kid.  We’re doing our best but it isn’t good enough.  A lot of hand wringing and calls from the principal and I’ve decided that Jesus is basically the only hope here. 19055433_10158911764265074_4485162110289028260_o

I often pray, “Lord, I need you to get through to him.  I need you to touch his heart.  We can discipline and talk til we are blue in the face but only you can change his heart.”

I got up early a couple mornings ago, with a sore throat.  It as 5:30 so I had plenty of time to pray and I did.  I prayed for Michael.  That day ended up being a really great one for him.  His special ed. teacher actually emailed me with all caps and plenty of exclamation points on what a great day he’d had.

Prayer works.

No, it’s not always that startling effective.  I’ve been praying for Michael for years and we are still dependent on God daily.  Which, of course, isn’t a bad thing.

It’s also a huge relief for me.  As parents, we tend to feel this enormous responsibility for how our kids turn out.  Which we should, in a way.  But there’s only so much we can do.  We do our best but there are always so many other factors at play (like, hello- the child’s free will!).  Our kids need Jesus.  They need us praying for them everyday.  They need to know the Word.

Ultimately we are entrusted with these precious gifts but they belong to God.

I thank God that though Michael struggles, I know God is in control.  I know God loves him.  I know so much more rests in God’s hand than on my shoulders.

Face like Flint

I just got kicked out of an eczema support group on Facebook.

I was acting as sort of an awareness raising vigilante for the dangers and prevalence of topical steroid addiction amongst those who suffer with eczema.

Like, “LOOK!  Guys I have the answer.  You can get completely better!!  Your steroids have been causing your worsening condition all along.  Now you just need to go through this hellish withdrawal!!”

Obviously I wasn’t met with much enthusiasm.  The people who administrate the group are familiar with TSW and for whatever reason, have decided against it.  Not only that, but because of the suffering associated with it, they label it as “dangerous” and “misguided” and the people, like myself, who try to sound the alarm, are promptly booted from the group.

My reasons for wanting to warn people is simply that I wish someone had warned us before our level of dependence on steroids got as bad as it did.  We could have avoided so much pain and suffering for our son.

But the road is a hard one, no doubt.  And many try for a time, before going back to steroids and concluding that TSW doesn’t work.

I’ve gotten some unexpected feedback sharing my blog within my TSW support group.  People commending my husband and I for doing a good job.  It is great, in a sense, mostly because it’s vindication.  When we entered into this, it was going against medical advice.  It was going it alone.  It was entering into some pretty bleak and abject suffering.  We felt very defensive about our decision because while we knew we were doing the right thing, we felt a lot of heat over it.

But at this point it is finally paying off.  My son is getting better.  There is a spark of vitality and health that strengthens every single day.

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He was thrilled to get a McChicken before school~

In our case we found the answer to our prayers, to our searching, but it meant pressing through a whole lot of pain and difficulty.  “As the time approached for him to be taken up to heaven, Jesus resolutely set out for Jerusalem.” Luke 9:51  Another version says, “He set his face like flint.”  Jesus knew full well what he was getting into and he pressed into it.  He was resolute.  Because he knew the joy set before him.  He knew the end game.

 

My husband and I never wavered, not once.  We knew that God had led us to this point.  We knew Gabe had to go through this withdrawal.  We were of one mind, and there is so much power in that.  Gabe, young as he is, he understood and was 100% on board too.

We’ve gone through a pretty extreme trial, but, we all go through stuff.  We all deal with pain.  That’s why we need hope.  We need to know the end game.  We need to know our Shepherd.

Often, the only way out is through.  We have to be resolute.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off every encumbrance and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with endurance the race set out for us.

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:2-3

I know there are those who don’t get their healing.  At least, not here on this earth.  But we know the end game.  We know in whom we have believed.  We know this life isn’t the “be all, end all”.  It’s like a cosmic waiting room we bide our time in until we can get to the real deal.  And hardships help to wake us up to the eternal consequences and weightiness of how we live our lives here while we wait for the children of God to be revealed.” Romans 8:19

The Empty Tomb

Yesterday was a real let down for me.

See, it’s been raining here for dayyysss.  Our back yard is a soggy marsh!  But yesterday was beautiful.  Sunny and 65 degrees.  I was really hopeful that we’d be able to get out and hike and have fun as a family.

But Gabe went downhill really quick.  By the time we got to the park he was already frantically itching.  He shredded up his legs and feet.  We had to go home where I spent the rest of the day caring for him.

As much as I love him I have to admit that being a caregiver to a very ill child is incredibly draining.  It hasn’t just been weeks, or months, but years of this.

But what also happened is that we had a really rich spiritual conversation.  Gabe’s suffering has made him very sensitive to the things of God.  That and all this time I’ve spent with him has made our bond so close.  ggcici

Sometimes I just stop and thank God for giving me such a great kid.

I think about how when he was so little, the times his father and I knelt down next to his little toddler bed and prayed over him while he slept.  We dedicated our child to God and asked that he would use his life in powerful ways.

I was praying a few weeks ago and feeling very discouraged and hopeless even, but God reminded me of those prayers.  He told me, “Just keep dedicating him to me, every day.”

I woke up this morning and prayed and petitioned God with tears. for his healing.

I got this image in return of the sun rising over the empty tomb.

It’s our faith, it’s our life.  The empty tomb is the hope of humanity.

By his stripes we are healed. 20171008_074619

Suffering and pain may come knocking at our door.  They may even stick around far longer than we’d hope.  But the empty tomb gets the final say.  Weeping may last for the night, but JOY comes with the morning.

Where I’m At

I haven’t written in awhile.  Amidst the end-of-summer craziness and back to school hubbub, I just haven’t really had anything worth writing about or the time to write it.

But, miracle of miracles; my kids are all in school.  At this moment it’s just me, my dog, and a coconut mocha.

It’s a true miracle that Gabe is in school.  Yesterday he felt good enough that we decided it was the day.  His backpack had been packed weeks earlier.  He was scared but I coached him on what to say if anyone asked what was wrong with his skin.  I said if he started crashing at school to tell his teacher and I would come pick him up immediately.  gg

I dropped him off and got tears in my eyes.  He hasn’t been able to go to school since last February.  He’s come so far and there were days we felt like we would never get here.

He had a good day and was optimistic going back again today.

I had posted about it on facebook when a facebook friend commented, “GIVE GOD THE PRAISE!!!”.

I know she meant well but I felt an unexpected pang of irritation and anger.

A couple weeks ago I had been worshipping in my car and God had revealed to me the nature of the thing I’ve been battling for months, or even longer…

My trust in his goodness towards me has been seriously wounded and it was shaky to begin with.

There’s been so many hard things, so many painful things…and then this?  Even coming out (hopefully) on the other side of the worst of it…my soul has been so traumatized by witnessing suffering that no parent should have to see.

Sobs in the night.  Wounds that won’t heal  A true sense of hopelessness.

I know God is there, has been there.  But, it’s complicated.  I’m hesitant to speak to anyone about my feelings because I just can’t handle getting chastised or beaten over the head with platitudes.

I know what’s blocking my growth is my lack of submission to God.  But how can you submit when you can’t trust?

I’m still working things out.  I still believe.  I still listen.

This is just where I’m at and I have to give myself permission to be ok with that.