I’ve been pressing in to God through my pain and finding him in hew ways. Yesterday morning I told him quietly, with tears in my eyes, that I was coming to the end of myself. At that moment I felt a burden lift and a rush of joy. Almost as if he was showing me that by coming to the end of myself I can finally come to the beginning of HIM.
I had run through the whole battery of treatment we do to get Gabe up and on his feet every day. Lotion, ointments, vitamins, calf massage, pep talks… and I drove him to school and he couldn’t go in because his legs were still too dry to fully extend.
We came home and I had a bit of a temper tantrum. “why is this so hard? I do everything I can and it’s still not good enough…!”
But I pulled it together and took Gabe to Costco to get some groceries. On days when he can’t walk I just carry his 50 pounds around until I can put him into a cart. Yes people stare but I give zero f%#^s. All along the game plan has been that he’s going to get better so we have not even considered buying a wheel chair.
I’m living in this state of being stretched and praying that God would work in my life. I’m right there. So when a woman approached me in the parking lot asking for cash I didn’t hesitate. She was a single mom, she needed gas money, she was so, so tired… I wrapped my arms around her and prayed. It didn’t even seem weird to me at all. I just put my arms around her and prayed for her how I’d want someone to pray for me. I gave her all the cash I had, which wasn’t much.
As I went back to lift Gabe’s broken little body out of the cart he said, “Mom I prayed too.”
Tears fill my eyes because I am grateful that Gabe gets to see Jesus breaking through in every day life, maybe much more so because of the state that he is in.
I’m absolutely not going to end on any sort of sanctimonious note….except to say that God wants us to remember that it truly isn’t all about us. Our purpose here is to know him and make him known. And we can do that even on the hardest days.