Update on Gabe

I ended up deleting my past 4 posts for a couple reasons.  My husband didn’t like that I was putting Gabe’s suffering out there for the World to see and also that we want to be able to do what’s best for Gabe without fear of outside forces *ahem* meddling.

My husband and I process things very differently.  He is very stoic and private.  I’m an open book and sharing (with as many people as possible) makes me feel better.  But I respect his wishes and I see his point.  We will probably share more when Gabe is well along his healing journey.  We do want to raise awareness.

But still, there is good news and darn it, I want to share!  Gabe is doing a lot better than he was last week.  A lot of the more frightening symptoms have subsided.  His skin doesn’t look nearly as red.  He still has a lot of healing ahead of him, but we are so encouraged.

His actual eczema is almost non-existent.  I still believe God touched him and healed his eczema.  We saw enough of an improvement that we were prompted to get him off the steroids- the medicine that was poisoning his body.  Now we just need to go through the withdrawals.

Like so often, healing is a journey.  It’s a path.  There are good days and bad days, ups and downs.  But you discover so much along the way.  The journey itself becomes sacred in it’s own way.

We have also found an online community of people on this same journey.  There is a lot of encouragement and help to be found.

I do believe that God is blessing Gabe with a quick healing.  Some things I am doing to help are…

-twice daily soaks in the tub.  Sometimes up to an hour.  We toss in Epsom salt and essential oils or olive oil and fresh garlic.  After twenty minutes or so his pores really open up and I think he has been able to do a lot of detoxing that way.  The steroids cause the skin to constrict, and he was on them for so long his skin hasn’t properly detoxed in ages.  TMI alert- the bath water takes on the characteristic icky ooze smell so associated with TSW after awhile.  It gets pretty gross.  I theorize that it’s toxins and trapped sebum in the water.

We’ve also been using a zinc oxide (diaper rash cream) on his really bad spots.  For the rest of his body it is Egyptian magic, coconut oil, silver cream, and a drop or two of clove or lavender oil.

He is on antibiotics because he had gotten ‘staphy’ on his arms and torso last week.  That looks a lot better and we hope this is the only time he’ll need them.

We met with a new dermatologist today.  She was very understanding and admitted she thought Gabe did have a problem related to the steroids, though she stopped just shy of labeling it as “RSS”.  She was very supportive of us treating him without steroids.  She wrote us a couple perscriptions that may come in handy.

Gabe is handling this all really well.  He has been such a trooper.  We explained to him what was happening and why, and he has been so brave in handling a process that is very painful and difficult.

 

 

 

Of Trust

I saw the news about Saeed and Naghmeh Abedini yesterday.  To make a long story short- they were a Christian couple in ministry.  He was arrested for sharing the Gospel and held (and tortured) in Iran for 4 years.  His wife, Naghmeh, campaigned tirelessly for his release.  It was a big deal to the Christian evangelical community.  So he finally gets released and…she gets a restraining order against him basically as soon as he steps off the plane.  Turns out, there had been years of abuse behind the scenes.  A lot of the tireless work she had done for him had been under emotional coercion.

It is sad and disappointing, but not really all that shocking to me.

I’ve been stewing on this post for a long time.  A post about how we can’t put our trust in people.  Seeing this story really motivated me to write it.

I have my own story to share.  It’s a tale of a crazy ex step-dad.  We’ll call him C.P.

C.P. came into our lives when we really needed him.  My mom was losing her battle with alcoholism.  He was a recovering addict, bursting at the seems with charisma and passion for Jesus.  He shared his testimony with any and everyone and couldn’t talk about Jesus without tears.

He was instrumental in helping my mom get sober.  He took a real interest in my life.  We had great talks about God and he spoke some great things into my life.  I thought he was the mentor I had been hoping and praying for.

Sometime after they got married in a very rushed fashion, C.P. quit his good paying job to focus on writing a book about recovery.  Things started to get weird.  We found out he had been married like 5 times and that one wife had died under mysterious circumstances.

At this time I know God was really preparing my heart for the disappointment and chaos that was about to be unleashed.  God was whispering to my heart that I couldn’t put my trust in man, I could only ultimately look to him.

C.P. (ironically while writing his book about freedom from addiction) was abusing pills and became increasingly erratic.  A lot of horrible things happened but we’ll just say that it ended in divorce because my mom’s life was in danger.

C.P. released his book (which was really as garbled and erratic as his life) and started a new life at break neck speed.  Videos of him sharing his testimony at his new church surfaced within a couple months.

I want to make it clear that I have forgiven this man.  He was charging forward into life, leaving complete chaos and destruction in his wake- because he refused to look inward.  When things got hard he would blame everyone else and look for the next wife, the next church.  He couldn’t stop.  So instead of being still long enough to do an honest inventory and get the deep healing he needed, he just kept running.  He was running from the pain of his past and trying to numb the pain inside, but pain has a way of demanding to be dealt with.  We tend to continue to perpetuate that which we don’t face.

We tried to confront him at one point and he was pacing and sweating and ultimately took off because he couldn’t (wouldn’t) face the truth.  It was his life, in a nutshell.

It could have shipwrecked my faith but it didn’t.  It was such an important lesson to me.

“Do not put your trust in princes, in human beings, who cannot save.” Psalm 146:4

People can provide so much to us- love, encouragement, companionship…all that.  But people are going to fail.  People are going to let us down.  Churches and organizations too, because they are run by people.  Even the best of us still struggle daily with our fallen sin nature.  You show me someone living victoriously in Christ, and I can guarantee that person has struggles in the dark that they need to overcome (every.single.day.) to live that outwardly victorious life.

The danger in hitching our faith wagon to a person or organization is in that they could possibly go off the rails and take us with them into a ditch.

We can (and should!) go to church and look up to people further along in the faith than us.  But we need to be so careful to know that our faith is in God.  Not our church.  Not our Pastor.  Not our mentor.  Because God is the only one capable of being perfectly what we need him to be.  He is the only one who will never fail.

Not only that but when we put these ‘super-Christians’ on a pedestal we absolve ourselves of the call on our lives.  Like, “they have it goin’ on because there is special favor on their lives.  I could never be like that.”  The truth is that God does not show favoritism. Acts 10:34  If that person is rocking it in the faith department it’s because they have taken the steps to get there.  The invitation goes out to all.  It’s up to us to answer, and to what extant.

We can have it to.  You can be as close to God as you want to be.  You don’t have to settle for a second hand faith.  God wants to be real to you too, he wants to move as powerfully in your life as say a Beth Moore or John Bevere.  There are no favorites.  And that means when people we admire screw up royally, it doesn’t have to wreck out faith.

“Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess.” Hebrews 4:14

People change.  Circumstances change.  Our churches may change.  But…

“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.”

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For the Joy

I realize I’ve blogged a lootttt on the topic of suffering.  I write from where I’m at.  I write what is on my heart and what God speaks to me.  I write because I feel called to (and heck, I like it) and to hopefully encourage people.  I’ve written a lot on hardship and I feel like it’s a good thing because people can relate.  I certainly don’t think we should (or need to) minimize our pain.

Suffering is an undeniable part of life.  If you are walking this Earth with feet of clay you are going to have to contend with pain and difficult trials.

But I believe that suffering has an expiration date.  We are not here to suffer.  We are here to enjoy intimacy with our God and live in victory and freedom.

“For if, by the trespass of the one man, death reigned through that one man, how much more will those who receive God’s abundant provision of grace and of the gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ!” Romans 5:17

Suffering is always a means to an end.  The end being that God is glorified.

As I was getting ready for church yesterday I was thinking about the story of Lazarus.  Lazarus was a very close friend of Jesus.  Lazarus had two sisters that were very close with Jesus as well; Martha and Mary (who have their own story, but for another time).

Lazarus had gotten very sick.  A messenger ran to get Jesus.  Jesus waited 2 whole days before leaving to come see Lazarus, the text says he waited until he knew that Lazarus had died.

Martha and Mary are understandably upset.  When Jesus does show up, Martha runs out to meet him.  “Lord, if you had been here, he wouldn’t have died!”

Jesus looks deep into her eyes and makes this powerful statement, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”

They were just hoping that Jesus would heal him.  Jesus had different plans.  He went to the grave, where he had been buried 4 days prior.  He comforts Mary and Martha and even weeps with them.  He knows our pain, because it’s his pain.

“Roll the stone away.”

“But Lord, there will be an awful smell…”

“Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?”

So they roll the stone away and Lazarus is raised from the grave.

I got to church and what was the pastor preaching on?  The story of Lazarus and how it relates to us.  It was a God-thing.  We brought our son up to have him prayed for after the service.  This morning he looked a good 50% better with most of the redness and swelling gone and months-old wounds showing signs of dramatic improvement.  We know he got a special touch from God and we are believing that he will receive complete healing.

We serve an awesome God.  rays-of-light-shining-throug-dark-c

There is a powerful message in this story.  We may suffer, yes.  But we know that at some point Jesus is going to come into our situation and command some stones to be rolled away.  When Jesus shows up, he brings life with him.  He is our healer.  He is 100% good.  He is 100% for us.

Ultimately, for us who believe, we will be completely healed.  We don’t know the time table, but we know the one who does.  Jesus triumphed completely over death and the grave.  One day, death will be swallowed up.

In life we will always have an element of suffering.  We live in a fallen World.  I have my own share of suffering, as do you.  But I also have so much joy.

For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:2

“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” 1 Peter 5:10

Suffering doesn’t get the final say.

 

Of Hope and Heroes

My thoughts for today are on the importance of hope.

I’ve blogged frequently about my son, Gabriel, and his eczema.  I actually don’t talk about it much in life, for whatever reason.  There just doesn’t seem to be a point. I think a lot of people were unaware of how serious he was until it spread up his neck.  His eyes have read rings around them and from his jaw down, he is almost completely covered in red, angry skin with areas of swelling and infected wounds and abscesses.

It’s really bad.

There is no “but”.  It just sucks.  It’s horrible.

He usually handles it so well.  Most mornings he wakes up tired and in pain and doesn’t want to go to school.  But he does so well.  I just got his report card and he is meeting or exceeding expectations in every area, in spite of his frequent exhaustion and pain.

Today everything came to a head.  He came home emotional and angry.  He was crying and screaming and kicking his closet doors.  I had to force my way into his room and I had the sense to just let him be angry.  To just be there with him.  I sat with him until he let me hold him.  I just held him until he was ok again.

I sit here with tears streaming down my face.  This is so hard.

I’ve said before there have been times where this thing brought me to the edge of myself in every way.  Times where I refused to pray anymore.  Times when I could only look at and treat his naked body with a glass or two of wine in my system.

It’s been brutal.

But I have been praying and seeking and finding God again.  He reminded me of a story, a testimony I heard many years ago.  It was a ‘strong man’ who came to the church we were attending.  His thing was feats of strength- rolling up frying pans and breaking wooden baseball bats.  He did his feats and then shared his story.  Growing up he had been chubby, asthmatic, and completely immobilized by anxiety.  The most impressive thing about this man was how unbelievably tender his heart was and how incredibly he was advancing God’s Kingdom.

I think of his story often and it gives me hope. 

Awhile ago I was talking with Gabe and the subject of the movie “Terminator” came up.  I outlined the plot and he wanted to know why the robot wanted to kill Sarah Connor.  “Well, I said he knew she was going to raise a hero.”  As I said those words I was overcome with emotion.  I saw Gabe as a future hero, that that’s why his life has been under so much attack.  I refuse to let the enemy have him.

I am going to raise a hero.

“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Your Song, His Song

I’ve had this song stuck in my head for a couple days.  Don’t feel bad for me because the song is pretty epic-ly awesome.  It’s 80’s, it’s melodramatic and not a bad song to have stuck in your head.

I think the only way to get it unstuck is just to go with it.  I found it on youtube and decided to play it to wake my husband from his sweet slumber this morning.  Two birds, one stone.

I sashayed into the bedroom and dramatically belted out, “Take…these broken wings!  And learn to fly again!”  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-1M80Z7zTjo  You’re welcome.

I think he appreciated it.

He’s used to this sort of thing because I love music and I love singing (and dancing) and my home is my stage.  I didn’t say I sing well but whatever I lack in talent I make up for in gusto.

Seriously though, music can touch us like nothing else.  I recently read the book “Finding God in the Ruins” by Matt Bays and he talks about the song, the music of our lives.  Jarrod Drawbaugh also speaks beautifully of letting out the song of our lives in this blog- http://www.infjwriters.com/dear-infj-advice-recently-deceased-philosopher-author/ and as a person of faith this got me thinking of how my song is inextricably connected with His song.

As a follower of Christ there have been many times where I’ve felt utterly defeated.  Times where; I fell hard into an old sin pattern.  I fell hard into depression.  I fell hard into feeling worthless.  As an INFJ, I see things very symbolically and the image I had of these times was that of being cast down into the dust while the enemy of my soul sneered triumphantly over me.  While he hurled insults and accusations.  Many of which had more than an element of truth to them.

But at times like that when I felt the darkness closing in, I would hear something else.  Quiet but unmistakable.  An ancient song, the kind that leaved you with goosebumps as it awakens pangs of hope and images of Heaven.

His song.

My song.

I think of the women caught in the act of adultery, recorded in the book of John, verse 8.  She had been humiliated and thrown into the dirt.  Surrounded by her accusers.  Too ashamed to lift her head.  I can imagine her accusers in breathless anticipation awaiting Jesus’ verdict, as their eyes darted from the woman to the Christ…The Bible says that Jesus stooped down and began to write in the dust.  Theologians argue about what he was writing and why.  But I wonder if maybe he was tracing out the lyrics to an ancient melody.  Maybe he hummed quietly a song that only that woman could hear.  The same fingers that set the stars in place wrote out this lowly women’s redemption. “He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me.  They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support… You give me your shield of victory, and Your right hand sustains me; You stoop down to make me great.” Psalm 18:17-18 & 35

There are two voices, two messages we can listen to.  The ceaseless voice of the accuser or the quiet hum of God.  We can sing along with the voice of defeat or belt out the song of triumph.

I find in my own life that God is always speaking.  It is up to me to have my internal settings tuned to his frequency.  Whether I’m bopping through life to an upbeat 80’s tune (ah yiss) or immobilized in the dirt, God is always singing over my life.  He always has and He always will.

“He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17

My God is the God that stoops down in the dirt with us, to lift our tear-stained faces.  This is the God that rejoices over us with singing.  This is the God that puts a song of hope in our hearts, a song unique to each and every one of us.

Woman Singing
Woman Singing 2003

Unredeemed Brokenness

I happened to hear Pastor Matt Bays on my favorite radio show yesterday (Live the Promise with Susie Larson) and was really taken with what he had to say.  He spoke with shocking honesty about the wretched pain of his past and his turbulent path of faith- fraught with doubts and addiction.

His pain spoke so much to my pain.  I (being the impulsive sort that I am) bought his book, Finding God in the Ruins, with amazon one click.

Tonight I sat down and read through a third of it in one sitting.

It really speaks to where I am, the dilemma I face.

I’ve loved and followed God (not always well, but I’m still here) for ten years and yet I still feel broken in so many ways.  My son still deals with daily pain as we struggle to keep the eczema and resulting staph infections at bay.  I still deal with so much internally that never sees the light of day.

I, like Pastor Matt, got to a point where I just couldn’t pray and believe anymore.  How could I tell people about a Great God that loves them and has a great plan for them- when I found those promises so lacking in my own life?

The truth is that so many of us struggle with a disproportionate amount of pain.  A quick, pretty verse isn’t going to bandage wounded hearts sufficiently. The faith formulas don’t always add up as they should.

I went to a MOPS meeting recently and… felt awful the whole time.  The women there were really nice, they were genuine believers.  But I got the sense that these were the type of women that came from great families.  Women that have never labored under the shame of utter brokenness.  Women that knew how to match boot socks to their purses.  I felt so horribly out of place.

See, there are those of us who don’t come from the best families.  Those of us who deal with the anguish of shame.  Those of us who need much more than an inspirational service or two to get us out of our funk.

I think my theology has been woefully inadequate to address my reality.

God is good but a significant part of our journey here, our walk of faith, is going to be hard and at times, agonizing.  Much more so than we’d prefer.

Early on in my faith journey I was a good faith-filled believer and believed 100% that God was going to quickly and miraculously deliver me from my emotional pain.  That definitely hasn’t happened.  For years I thought it was because I was falling short somewhere.  The teaching I listened to had me worried that there was some hidden sin or offense lurking in me that was keeping the tidal wave of healing and deliverance back.  Maybe that wasn’t it at all.

Maybe there are just things that got broken so badly and profoundly early on, that healed so wrong, that they only way to get it right again is to re-break it.  To wrench away what is wrong before it can be set right and begin to truly heal.  Not a bandaid but a surgery.

So I am embracing the pain in my life and looking for God’s purpose in it.  I still believe.

 

Golden Retrievers: The Good, the Bad, the Furry.

It’s been a year since we brought home our first family dog, a golden retriever puppy.  copperI had always wanted one.  It just took a little (lot) of convincing for my husband to get on board! I found a puppy on my son’s birthday and drove half way across the state to go get him and bring him home just as the kids were getting off the bus.

It’s been a learning curve ever since and I’ve done a lot of researching on the breed in the mean time.

If I had to sum up the personality of the breed in one word it’d be “friendly”.  These dogs are never happier than when they are right in the mix of things, with their people. copper7

Goldens are possibly the friendliest breed.  They love meeting new people, they love playing with other dogs.  They make ‘ok’ watch dogs.  They like to keep an eye on the neighborhood.  Mine will bark at anything he sees that looks suspicious, like a garbage bag that has blown into the yard.  But they are horrible guard dogs.  If someone breaks into your house your golden is likely to give them an enthusiastic greeting.  They also aren’t big barkers.  Mine rarely barks.  Which is 90% a good thing but can be a problem in that he quietly runs to the basement door when he has to relieve himself, which has gone unnoticed with messy results.

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Little puppies?

These dogs are rarely aggressive.  This is hugely important to me, because I live in a neighborhood with a lot of small children.  Children that often come to the door to play with my children.  I can’t have an aggressive dog that see’s strangers as a threat.  But if you want an imposing guard dog, a golden is definitely not for you! bewaredogGoldens were bred in Scotland to be hunting dogs, retrieving fowl in swampy conditions.  In most lines the strong hunting genes have been muted in favor of looks and personality.  But they still have a relatively strong prey drive.  They will go crazy and drag you half way down the street in pursuit of a SQUIRREL!  squirrel

Mine inadvertently terrified a few of the neighborhood kids when they ran away and he gave chase.

We bought a gentle leader collar early on, to curb his pulling on walks.  These are very strong dogs so you really need to train them well and/or get a specialized collar to reduce pulling on walks.

Goldens are very enthusiastic eaters.  Mine wolfs down his food within 60 seconds and sniffs around for more.  If you have a golden you’ll have to be careful to not overfeed them.  Many will happily eat their way into a doggy-weight problem.  Mine is currently a good five pounds overweight, at 80 pounds.  It’s really hard to cut back on treats when they beg with the world’s cutest canine face.  copper3

So along with a careful diet, you’ll also need to provide a lot of exercise.  As hunting dogs, they were meant to spend a lot of time running and swimming though challenging conditions.

A dog that isn’t properly exercised is likely to become overweight, develop health problems, and exhibit destructive behavior like digging or chewing up your couch.

Goldens, as a large breed, can also develop problems with their hips.  So you don’t want to run them too hard until they are mature, about a year and a half.  I like taking mine to a local nature reserve where he can swim and run on soft grass. copper4But a brisk daily walk around town works too!

Goldens are very social dogs.  If you can’t provide a lot of interaction, a golden probably isn’t for you.  I jokingly call mine my “shadow” because he is almost never more than a foot away from me.  He wants to be near me, all the time.  When I leave he lays by the door until I come home. copper8If I’m sitting down he wants to be cuddled up to me.  This is not the type of dog that will take well to being an outdoor dog.  This is a family dog, that needs a lot of interaction.

Golden’s rank at the top as great family dogs.  They are very patient and gentle with young children.  copper9

So, we covered all the “good”.  Golden’s are extremely friendly, sweet, loyal, gentle and easy going.  They are highly trainable, among the most intelligent of the dog breeds.  They are also just gorgeous.  I may be biased but I think they are the most beautiful dog breed.  Not only that, but they have wonderfully soft fur that is pleasant to pet.

Now what about the bad?

Golden’s are notorious for health problems.  From allergies to cancer.  Mine has had chronic ear infections, as the long floppy ears trap moisture.  You’ll want to feed your dog a premium dog food.  We opt for grain free.  I’ve heard of golden’s living healthy lives of up to 17 years.  So take good care of your dog and hope for the best. copper2

The beautiful golden coat is very thick and sheds like crazy.  I vacuum 2-3 times and easily fill the canister with an insane amount of dog fur.  Their coat also produces an oil that helps makes them water repellant and it attributes to a strong “doggy” odor.  They aren’t the stinkiest dog, but they definitely need a regular bath.  Their long fur can also require regular brushing and the removal of matted fur.

They don’t have stinky breathe and they aren’t quite big enough to slobber, so that’s a plus!

Golden’s are very “mouthy”.  They love to chew so make sure you provide plenty of chews toys.  Ours will run off with our shoes, though he know better than to chew them up!  We really had to work with ours when he was a small puppy because he always wanted to chew on our hands with his sharp puppy teeth.  It’s something he grew out of, thankfully. 15940774_10158109670100074_8447059713771371583_n

Golden’s are wonderful dogs.  So much so that I don’t think I would ever get a different breed.  If you can deal with some of the challenges, you will truly find a wonderful companion and best friend.