I feel like that best describes where I’ve been at spiritually and emotionally. I want so much to be real and transparent in my life. I want to reject the vestiges of religion that keeps me wearing a mask and living in fear. What does Christianity mean to me? What does Jesus mean to me? I guess I want to feel to really be me and authentic and not even remotely perfect but someone who has a real, living faith in the One who is perfect.
I feel like so often Christians feel like they have to represent the faith well. They have to act like everything is ok. That they know all the answers. I feel like we really miss the point. God doesn’t ask us to perform, but to be.
I guess I am still trying to find my own voice, my own balance between the grace and love and discipline and chastising. Like you know what? I love Jesus and he is real but my kid got into a fight this week. I have faith but I am still waiting on some answers to prayer. I go to church but I also enjoy wine and laughing my head off at a semi-inappropriate joke.
I’ve never had so much on my plate. Michael, my oldest, has been acting out something terrible this year. 😦 He is very bright and they put him in a tougher program for gifted kids. But he is really not doing well and acting very disrespectfully and angry towards staff and other kids. In a lot of ways we just don’t know what to do. I do know that God does miracles and life-change is his specialty. Michael does have faith in God and I’m hoping and praying that God is going to do some transforming work in Michael’s heart.
Gabe is doing so much better. We saw a pediatric dermatologist last week for his eczema and she got him on a new steroid cream to get the raging infection under control. We are also doing bleach baths, Vaseline all over his body, and wet wraps over night. He has gotten like 60-70% better in just 5 days. He is really happy and much less miserable. So that is a huge relief! We are praying that the skin stays healed when we stop using the steroids.
Meanwhile I am waiting to hear back about a possible auto-immune issue. I am really just taking it easy, not doing killer workouts for now. I think I can control about 80% of how I feel with diet. So I am just thankful that I can do that, even if it means a very limited diet.
In my early 20’s I had tons of time to devote to reading the Bible, worship, and prayer. Now I just don’t. I stuggle with feeling really guilty about that. But I am growing in finding God in my very imperfect circumstances and with my ever-imperfect self. Still figuring it out. Still hanging in there. Still catching glimpses of God’s glory peaking through.